I was raped. By someone that I considered to be a good friend.
The first few questions I was asked by everyone were, “Were you drunk?”
"Are you sure?” "What were you wearing?".
What the hell would it matter if I had been drunk, that's an even better case for me to get raped I wouldn't have been able to give real consent then for sex!
I was not drunk. Though my rapist did ask me if I had wanted a
drink. I said no! (My first time saying no of the night)
Am I sure that I got raped? No I'm not sure if a penis entered my vagina when I didn't want it there. I mean really?
I was so scared to tell my roommate who had sort of had a thing
with this guy. I was so scared that she was going to be mad at me for having
any type of sex with him. I was so scared that it meant that the number of guys
that I had had sex with would go up and that, that would make me look
bad.
What was I wearing?!?!?! I was wearing sweat pants, and a t-shirt. No make-up and my hair up in a bun. Oh yea soooo sexy right? Really? You are going to ask me what I was wearing when I was just raped?
He had asked me if I had any candy left from Halloween, as it
was the night after. I said I had some suckers, and he asked if I would bring
some down. (We were in the same dorm) I said sure.
I brought him the sucker, and we were hanging out in his room with his roommates watching TV. When his roommates left to go work out, he started getting flirty. He started touching me a little bit more. Now at this time I had thought that he was a cute guy, we had messed around before so I thought nothing of it. But then he started getting aggressive with his touching. He would lock his arm and try to touch my vagina through my pants. And I would try to move his hand away, but he wouldn't. He was so much stronger then I was. That's when I knew that something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my stomach. I stood up and got behind me as I was sitting in my chair. And started kissing me that way. I was in such a vulnerable position, I was sitting, and he was standing over me. He was stronger then I was. And he had locked the door. He had me stand up then. He was trying to take my pants off. And I finally just slapped his hands away and said knock it off. So he attempted to stop being so aggressive. He then led me over to the bunk bed. Slowly. I knew that if I stood with my head against the railing of the top bunk that he wouldn't be able to push me down on the bed. I remember him trying to push my head down so that he could get me on the bed. Which wasn't even his bed, it was his roommate’s bed.
And of course what happens to me when I am already on high alert about all of this? He comes to my place of work. And of course I freak out because it has been a horrible week for all of this kind of stuff. Why does he still get to have this kind of hold on me after 1 year and 4 months?
And what is the advice of the people who mean the most to me?"Liz you gotta stop doing this. You need to move on. Move past this."
Because moving on is soooo easy. I wish I would have thought
about that, hmm just move on Liz it doesn't work that way. I will
struggle with this for the rest of my life. Unfortunately He will be
with me forever. This memory and the thought of him are going to stay with me.
I have to learn to deal with it and push it as far back as possible, but that
doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be upset when I see him. I get to feel
that way. I get to be upset! I get to feel however I want to feel. And no one
gets to tell me that what I am feeling is wrong!
I was raped. But I am not a victim! I am a survivor. I have survived rape for 504 days so far. I will continue to have that number grow and grow, because I will not become a victim of rape. I will not let him take my life, no matter how easy it may seem to just let it all go.
