I was raped. By someone that I considered to be a good friend.
The first few questions I was asked by everyone were, “Were you drunk?”
"Are you sure?” "What were you wearing?".
What the hell would it matter if I had been drunk, that's an even better case for me to get raped I wouldn't have been able to give real consent then for sex!
I was not drunk. Though my rapist did ask me if I had wanted a
drink. I said no! (My first time saying no of the night)
Am I sure that I got raped? No I'm not sure if a penis entered my vagina when I didn't want it there. I mean really?
I was so scared to tell my roommate who had sort of had a thing
with this guy. I was so scared that she was going to be mad at me for having
any type of sex with him. I was so scared that it meant that the number of guys
that I had had sex with would go up and that, that would make me look
bad.
What was I wearing?!?!?! I was wearing sweat pants, and a t-shirt. No make-up and my hair up in a bun. Oh yea soooo sexy right? Really? You are going to ask me what I was wearing when I was just raped?
He had asked me if I had any candy left from Halloween, as it
was the night after. I said I had some suckers, and he asked if I would bring
some down. (We were in the same dorm) I said sure.
I brought him the sucker, and we were hanging out in his room with his roommates watching TV. When his roommates left to go work out, he started getting flirty. He started touching me a little bit more. Now at this time I had thought that he was a cute guy, we had messed around before so I thought nothing of it. But then he started getting aggressive with his touching. He would lock his arm and try to touch my vagina through my pants. And I would try to move his hand away, but he wouldn't. He was so much stronger then I was. That's when I knew that something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my stomach. I stood up and got behind me as I was sitting in my chair. And started kissing me that way. I was in such a vulnerable position, I was sitting, and he was standing over me. He was stronger then I was. And he had locked the door. He had me stand up then. He was trying to take my pants off. And I finally just slapped his hands away and said knock it off. So he attempted to stop being so aggressive. He then led me over to the bunk bed. Slowly. I knew that if I stood with my head against the railing of the top bunk that he wouldn't be able to push me down on the bed. I remember him trying to push my head down so that he could get me on the bed. Which wasn't even his bed, it was his roommate’s bed.
And of course what happens to me when I am already on high alert about all of this? He comes to my place of work. And of course I freak out because it has been a horrible week for all of this kind of stuff. Why does he still get to have this kind of hold on me after 1 year and 4 months?
And what is the advice of the people who mean the most to me?"Liz you gotta stop doing this. You need to move on. Move past this."
Because moving on is soooo easy. I wish I would have thought
about that, hmm just move on Liz it doesn't work that way. I will
struggle with this for the rest of my life. Unfortunately He will be
with me forever. This memory and the thought of him are going to stay with me.
I have to learn to deal with it and push it as far back as possible, but that
doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be upset when I see him. I get to feel
that way. I get to be upset! I get to feel however I want to feel. And no one
gets to tell me that what I am feeling is wrong!
I was raped. But I am not a victim! I am a survivor. I have survived rape for 504 days so far. I will continue to have that number grow and grow, because I will not become a victim of rape. I will not let him take my life, no matter how easy it may seem to just let it all go.
You said it! The way you approach something and the mentality that you choose to have about something like this truly defines you and you have just proved that you are strong! And you are inspiring to anyone that has or has not been a victim of any sort of act. I hope that other girls that have been made victims have the same courage that you do.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an inspiring story! Your strong mental state throughout this jourey is incrdible. You are tackling the stereotypes everytime you say you are not a victim, but a survivor. Your story is one that should not happen as much as it does, but your stives toward normalcy is awe inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story and for being strong though these 504 days!
ReplyDeleteBeing able to talk about this makes you stronger than any feeling he has ever made you feel. Good job putting it all "down on paper" and being able to express your emotions and or feelings!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing; and though it may sound a bit overused at this point, it's really inspiring especially when it's a a fellow survivor talking about their experience so openly and being able to put a positive spin on it. And thank you for your responses to those three asinine questions.
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely sure what to say that hasn't already been said. Thanks for sharing, and hopefully stories like yours spread the message that date rape is still rape.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that I am taking away from your story is the details of the actual incident. I think that someone reading this may actually realize that they have been raped. For me, it was easier to not face this fact until I related my story to my boyfriend and he said,"So, he raped you." I hadn't honestly though of it that way under my circumstances. It's just weird how it never happens like in the movies, ya know? Somehow the lines that are crossed by rapists can seem fuzzy but they are not. Thanks for sharing and not holding it in.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. It took me a long time to realize that what he did was actual rape. I told my best friend right after it had happened and she wanted to take me to the hospital for a rape kit, I couldn't figure out why...
DeleteYou are so brave for sharing this story! I love how you incorporated your own experiences with questions that many girls experience after such a horrific thing. Thank you for sharing your story- it was really inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. You have personally and academically related to all the misconceptions, victim-blaming and rape- culture: what was she/he wearing? Were you drinking? Were you asking for it? Are you sure?
ReplyDeleteYour personal story helps give other survivors a voice, and with each voice we have, I believe we can all be moved to end sexual violence.
You are right to push back when you feel as though others are trying to minimize your experience or your feelings. To echo everyone above, thank you for being brave enough to share.
ReplyDeleteLike I said in writing groups, you are so brave to share your story with us and your feelings afterwards. I am glad that you are not letting it control your life and that you have a positive outlook about how to deal with it and what's to come. I am still in disbelief at what happened and the questions you were asked. It just goes to show how our society handles events such as these. Good blog.
ReplyDeleteVery powerful and moving story. I found it really interesting the way you incorporate the ridiculous questions you were asked into your story as well. It definitely exposes how much of our society views rape situations. Great blog!
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